How do I feel as my year in Peru fast approaches? I feel:
Different than I did before my last trip to Peru. Last time, I had no picture in my head of what to expect or where I was going. Every last aspect of that trip was unknown to me. I walked into it blind because, well, that’s what it means to go somewhere you’ve never been.
Ready. I feel ready. I have this unexplainable, yet extremely calming sense of knowing that this is my next step. All signs point to Peru and the time to go is now. There is no other way forward for me. Feeling that and knowing that makes everything, even the scary details that may keep me up at night, seem like it’s just going to be okay.
Excited. I’m doing this. I’m moving to Peru! I still have to pinch myself every day that I get to do this. That I’ve somehow arrived at my dream. My dream is about to become my reality. I’m so excited. Elated! And so unbelievably indebted to all of the life circumstances that have allowed this to come to be. One thing led to the next and here I am, ready to do this and doing it.
Nervous. To be honest, this does scare me. Amidst the feelings of excitement and awe, I feel scared and worried that I’ll feel homesick and want to cut my year short. That I’ll experience a feeling of loneliness like I’ve never felt before. That I’ll feel isolated and helpless to engage and connect in my new community. That I won’t connect. That I’ll have to live in a hostel forever because I’ll never be able to find an apartment on my own. That my laptop will be stolen. That I’ll be one of those unfortunate tourists that steps into the wrong taxi and gets mugged or worse. There’s a million fears running through my head but they don’t stand up to the greater feeling of this is the right next move for me. So I’m going anyway.
Sad. I’m leaving behind my family and my friends that I love and literally missing a year of their lives, like a missing page in their story. There’s notes of guilt wrapped up into the sadness mainly around my sister, who just moved out to Colorado last August to begin school at Colorado State. I won’t be a short drive away anymore for her. I feel bad about that. I’ll miss birthdays, holidays, and life events that I’ve always been around for. I’m going to miss the people of my life here. That is for sure.
And because we can’t end on a sad note, I feel…
Proud. I’m actually proud of myself for doing this. It’s extremely scary and slightly an unusual life path but it’s a step towards who I want to be in this world. I want to be the person who goes after their dreams and makes them happen. I want to show the world with my life that nothing is impossible. If you can dream it, you can do it. This is my biggest leap yet and I may be scared, but I’m running at this cliff at full speed with the internal knowing that this is right for me and that because it’s so everything is going to be okay.
Plane leaves in less than 48 hours. Bring it on!